Buck Naked

According to Jewish tradition, someone in mourning is "Onen", under duress, and he isn't required to pray or responsible for his actions. (So I guess if you're an observant Jew and always wondered what pork bacon tastes like, that would be a good time to find out.)

After tossing and turning all night, I wrote "Kaddish" early this morning. I think technically I'm not "Onen", but I hope God gives people some slack when confronted with some of the hard things in life. I went to bed last night angry and got up angry. I suppose I could have been angry at the kid that committed suicide, but kids notoriously do impulsive things. And I could have been angry with his father, who might have prevented a tragedy by paying attention to his son and certainly by locking up his gun, but who could have known?

So I took it out on God. Because He was handy. Because He's supposed to be in charge and it seems like someone dropped the ball this time. So it was easy to be angry with God.

And now I've had a day to run it through my mind, and the anger has burned down to embers and I have had a chance to rest a bit.

And I'm sorry for the things I wrote. Because I don't want anyone to think that I don't love God or worse, not love God anymore and use what I wrote as just one more excuse. Because I do love and certainly believe in Him, because you don't get mad at someone you don't believe in.

So I thought about deleting "Kaddish".

One of the blogs I love the most is "January Winds" by Xiu. (Who has moved to Wordpress for those who have been looking for her.)

Once she wrote this:

"I wonder if bloggers feel naked. I feel naked, like everyone knows me inside out just by reading this space. And even more so, because I am not perfect and I am flawed."
(Xiu, 'Friday Noon')

I have come to admire Xiu, not only because she's talented, but mostly for her honesty and openness; with God, with her readers.

So I am going to take a little courage from Xiu and not delete "Kaddish". Maybe it will be a witness to others about my God who is big enough to let us come back to Him after we blow up at Him, a witness that you don't have to be perfect to believe in God.

So I decided to leave all my flaws and nakedness on "My People" for all to see.

(And the reason I chose the title for this entry is that it will catch alot of people surfin' on Google.)