Ami's Profishuncy Test For Teachers of the English Langwitch

Except for one native born Israeli of Moroccan ancestry and a French lady, English speaking countries from all over the globe have representatives at the English staff's table in the teacher's room of our local high school. While we maintain the pretense of solidarity among ourselves when in the presence of our students, we often carry on fierce debates over the rules of grammar and the proper definition of certain words and expressions. The following proficiency test is a product of some lively discussions at our table.


1. English is not spoken properly as the mother tongue:
a. west of the Atlantic Ocean.
b. west of the Mississippi River.
c. west of 24th Street, Portland, Oregon.

2. The expression "your ass is mine" means:
a. Your ass belongs to me.
b. Your ass and my ass are one and the same thing.
c. You are in a lot of trouble.

3. The expression "my ass is yours" means:
a. My ass belongs to you.
b. My ass and your ass are one and the same thing.
c. I am at your service.

4. When in doubt about the proper spelling, pronunciation or meaning of a word it is best to:
a. ask Sharon because she's from England where "real" English is spoken.
b. ask Martine because she's from South Africa and when she says "here" it sounds like "hee-yah".
c. ask the principal because even though he doesn't know a lot about English, it's always a good idea to suck up to the boss.

5. In which of the following words can you hear the "invisible R"?
a. Wa(r)shington
b. idea(r)
c. hee-yah(r)
d. All of the above.

6. When the ladies of the English staff say that they're "hot", this means that:
a. They think that they are irresistible to all members of the opposite sex.
b. They are experiencing the effects of hormonal changes that are normal in the female life cycle.
c. Maintenance needs to fix the air conditioning.
d. The male members of the staff should think of something urgent that needs to be attended to in the library.

7. When the ladies of the English staff get cranky this means that:
a. They have finally realized that they are no longer irresistible to all members of the opposite sex.
b. They are experiencing the effects of hormonal changes that are normal in the female life cycle.
c. Maintenance still hasn't fixed the air conditioning.
d. The male members of the staff should immediately attend to something urgent in the library.